A letter to my son and his girlfriend

My beloved children,

I know that life is hard and many times very lonely. People walk around zombie-like and feel lost without a purpose. I find it painful to see my children struggling. Not because I feel pity but because I truly hurt with you. Every inch about me wants to still figure it out for you. I know that's not going to happen. I know that you are grown people with your own hearts and desires. I know that I can't keep catching you every time I see you about to fall. I've also learned that sometimes you have to fall to feel the pain of reality. That's hard for me. Hard for my momma heart to comprehend. All I can do is pray for you and keep my faith strong that God's hands are bigger than mine. He's got you and will always catch you much better than I ever will. Yesterday was Valentine's Day. The world runs around seeking for love. It's the only day that there's so much focus on it. We should live to love each other every day. But I also know that God uses everything for the good. I struggle with thinking that I raised children that don't love as deeply as I do. I struggle knowing if I did a good job. I tried every day to pour so much of me into you. Only because God was pouring into me. I can not give what I do not have. I have loved unconditionally and prayed that you all would receive it straight from God.

I don't know where God will take your story but I do know that you both need to focus on loving yourself and loving GOD. What you both have is beautiful, the enemy will gladly come and tell you otherwise. Relationships are hard! they are tiresome at times. Very exhausting! Believe me, I know. But I also know that we were created to live in community, to share our life with others. Some people spend their whole lives seeking for a glimpse of what you both have.  You might feel young but you're the real deal. You have grown so much. Don't forget where you started!  See the pictures attached. This was the beginning of your relationship. You were already loving and willing to help one another out.  You were willing to face a challenge and be there for each other. That's what I've seen up until now. The beauty of your faces when you have overcome a challenge is beautiful! The heart of knowing someone has you and won't let go is amazing! That's Godly love. No worldly love will ever come close to that. Stay focused! Fix your eyes on God! Choose love! choose to love each other unconditionally and think about one another. If you do that you will only grow stronger, if you don't you will only let go. I'll be praying for you!  know that God is with you and there are no coincidences in Him. He has known you from before the foundation of the earth! He has loved you and cared for you. He has appointed you for such a time as this! Be blessed and bless someone else today!

Love you with all my heart,
Mom

Three things will last forever - Faith, Hope, and Love- and the greatest of these is LOVE.
1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT

Hey y'all! So much has changed since my last post! Today is Sunday April 22, 2018. The kids are grown. All in their teens and with two of them being adults. Life has been rough but God has been faithful! This past year has been hard on my momma heart. I never realized how hard it would be to let them grow and leave the home. Jorge has moved out and is currently taking classes. He will be working soon. Pablo will graduate on May 19th and then he's headed to the UofA. Brandon will be a senior next school year and Valerie starts high school. I guess you can say I'm starting to live the beginning stages of empty nest. I'm grieving the loss of my old life. I miss them being little and just hanging out at home. The house feels empty at times. It's weird making meals for only a couple of people. My heart aches to know Jorge is so far away. He does make me  proud though! He's an amazing guy! So brave and courageous. I guess that's what I wanted all my kids to be. That's what I prayed for Great kids!  

God has been revealing so much to me lately. I had a sweet sister tell me to stop worrying so much about their futures. To stop trying to control every situation. I can't control anything! God is in control. He always has been. Jeremiah 29:11 Says For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future. I'm learning to live under God's truth and by faith alone. I know... I should have known a long time ago about this but the reality is that we are forever learning. We are growing in the knowledge of Him always. This is definitely a different stage in my life. Life has slowed down a bit. God is asking to keep my eyes on him and trust his word alone. I need to be praying constantly and be more intentional with my quiet time with him. Now that my kids are leaving the home is when all is going to be put to test for them. I need to be praying for their minds and cover them with the blood of Jesus more than ever! They will not be perfect, they will make mistakes but I still believe that God has a calling in their lives. They belong to Him... And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you (them), will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6  God is good and always faithful! As they continue to grow older, I will believe his word that says train the child in his way and when he grows old he will not depart from it.  My job is to love unconditionally as a mother and stop trying to be their Holy Spirit. They know, they have the Holy Spirit. The word is implanted in their hearts! Now it's time to sit back and watch it grow. 

It's now September of 2016! My hubby had a birthday yesterday, he's closer to 40 now! We have taken some huge steps in the last couple of years. Today I took a leap of faith and gave my 2 week notice at my job that I had been in for 5 years. I have a lot of mixed emotions but I do have confirmation that this what God wants for our family. Mark has started his own business and really needs me. I have also overstayed my welcome where I'm at. I'm ready for something new! To help build our dreams and be there 100% for my family. For the first time in my life, I'm going to let my husband take care of me and by doing that, God will continue to take of me!!

I haven't wrote anything here lately but I'm going to share a bit of what has happened since last November, almost a year ago!

Last year I was told that I might have lymph node cancer. It all started with a knot on my neck, it was small around June but by November it was really palpable. I started to feel sick around November, almost like I had the flu and just couldn't get over it. I went to my primary doctor and we tried antibiotics for a possible infection but that didn't work. After a couple of weeks I was referred to the ENT specialist and on the same day he saw me I had a CT scan done.  That day by 3pm I had a phone call from the ENT doctor telling that the results were not good and I needed to come back for a scope and a biopsy. That's when it all started to go down hill. I had already been sick every day. There were days that I couldn't get up and felt this throbbing pain on my neck. I didn't have any energy and felt like I just wanted to lie on my recliner the entire day. Thankfully I work from home so I didn't have to get up and get all dressed up to go to work. All I needed to do was take a quick shower and put some comfortable clothes and sit at my desk to work.

After my scope and biopsy I had to wait on the pathology results. I didn't get my results until December 24th (Christmas Eve). That day I went in with my husband was told that the results showed positive for cancer cells. I had to have the lymph node removed but not only was it one but there was two in the same place. My doctor told me "I will schedule you to get the top one removed but the one down in your throat, not even the best surgeon can get it out and that one will need Chemotherapy".  During this wait time, I waited on God and what His answer would be. I was feeling awful and sick everyday. I'm a strong person and couldn't even go to the store without feeling sick. I never budged on my faith, I knew that God had always been there for me no matter what I was going through. But I also stood firm that if I didn't have what I thought would be a good outcome like, Chemo or death, everything would still be good. I still belonged to God and my family belonged to Him also. I held strong to my faith that no matter what God was in control and no matter what happen, He would be our strength and hold us in His hands.

You know, I wasn't scared of dying. I was sad that I might not be able to be there for my family on some of the best moments of their lives. I start having graduations 2017 for three years in a row! I knew that if I had chemo there would be some very hard days to come and I couldn't even plan a road trip with my family or anything. It was a time to just have faith... To just be still and smile because God has my life in His hands, and by that I don't mean this life, I mean my eternity! He would take care of my loved ones, no matter what! He would be with us all the days of our lives. He was not surprised or caught off guard. He knows the plans he has for us. I just waited and rested in his comfort. I didn't tell my kids what I was told that. I didn't want to ruin their Christmas and I smiled that night and held them tight.

It's summer 2014!

 We have a lot going on this year. The kids continue to grow! I'm so impressed with how fast time goes by. I know I always mention this but God is good! In the past months God has shown me how much I love and need my husband. He has been there for me, even when I was not so friendly. :) Marco is so much more patient than me. In June he spent 2 weeks in Mexico. This was very hard on all of us! We all had to test our faith and belive that everything would be okay.

Our summer has been pretty busy. I was hoping to go visit family this summer but plans changed. We did go to St. Louis for Father's Day & went back 2 weeks later. Jorge has worked a little with his dad. Both Pablo & Jorge have started cross country practice. I have decided to become a director for Home Interiors and have recruited 5 girls so far. I pray I become one next month! I will also have the privilege to be a guest speaker at a conference in January.


God is so good! He is faithful, Almighty and powerful!  As for me and my house we will serve The Lord! Thank you God for everything!  Thank you for loving us unconditionally.

Misunderstood

Like always... It's been a while since my last post. I always have so much to say but so little time. I'm kind of getting tired of that constant feeling, BUSY seems to always be my answer. At the point in my life I wish I had the strength to keep up with change and realize not to coward when I need to change things. I'm so close to a breakthrough that seems to be breaking me in the process. Time is always painful. I try to stay focused on things that need my energy, but I'm always getting exhausted on things that don't need it at all. God uses many ways to bring us closer to Him. The valleys are always used for that. There in the middle of nowhere, where everything seems to keep closing in... We seek for more understanding of the Almighty.  I'm tired of religion and fake smiles. I long for a true sister and brother in Christ. One that can share our lives together and really pray for our spiritual and physical needs. I think that's too much to ask for nowadays. We seem to all be stuck in a valley and to busy to notice each other's need. Is that what God wants? How can we be filled with God when we feel so empty?
Lately I've been having dreams of losing my best friend. I just told him about them recently. I fear that our enemy is closer than we think. It bothers me that he can't see it. But how could he? He's so close to her. I know God will get us through this, he always has. Like I said earlier, we are about to go through a spiritual breakthrough but still feel like I'm about to break before we get there.

You know me... I choose to listen

Dear Lord,
Today as my heart feels heavy... I'm sad and joyful at the same time. How can that be? As I had a conversation with my son last night, I was reminded of how stupid I could be. How my actions have way more consequences that I can ever imagine! You have entrusted in me much and I have failed You constantly. I keep so caught up in my own feelings, that I forget those that I was in trusted with. Maybe that's the reason I am where I am? Surely I know in my heart that's not where you want me to be. I know I was called for great things but I have been my only enemy. I have sabotaged everything you have given me! Even now, looking back I can see your mercy and grace in my life! I don't deserve it!! I should be punished for my actions. Still, in the mist of my mess, I'm amazed of how wonderful and loving you are! You still love me and you still bless me. How undeserving of me! Why God? Why are you willing to put up with such a mess of a child? 
Oh wait, I know why, because of the blood of Jesus. You know me better than I will ever know my self. You knew I would mess this up but you still keep me by your side and take care of my babies! Wait! They are not even mine!! They are yours!! Wow, how stupid of me! 

I do need to start taking care of my own flesh. I have been so blind this whole time that I have not seen the damage I have done, only to myself. By hurting him, I hurt myself. By scaring him, I scar myself. By making him angry, I make myself angry! Wow, now I understand a little... Hence why we should honor our husbands first then our children! How stupid of me!!  Is that what he's been trying to tell me? That I'm so selfish & don't listen to him... Oh how I love when your Holy Spirit speaks directly into my inner being. When He rebukes me with love and still gives me another chance.
Lord, Thank you!

Sincerely,
A perfect sinner that has been redeemed

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1, 2 NIV)

Where do I go??

Hello my friends! I have so much to type but so little time. :) Story of my life! Last night while doing our family devotional we read part of the story of Gideon. Wow can I relate to him. So many times I ask my self "where do I go?" & can you give me a sign God... (maybe 2 or 3) just to make sure that I'm doing the right thing.  The beautiful thing about God is that He's unchanging & knows exactly where He wants me. This questioning only shows my weakness & some lack of faith. These past few months I have been dealing with some very strange feelings. Weakness comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes. This I know now. Growing up weakness was not an option, you had to fight to survive. I could even immaturely say that I did not know what fear was! Well you have to know where I grow up to know what I was talking about.  But anyway... God showed me last night that much like Gideon, I have some fears of inferiority. Even though I know God's calling in my life I still question by saying, show me a sign (or 2). I get so wrapped up with feelings that I shouldn't let that stop me. As I preach to my kids to be strong and courageous. I find myself feeling unworthy and weak. That is so out of character for me but I understand why now.  These past months God has been breaking a mold and preparing me for what is coming. Our family will have a big breakthrough this year and it will be the beginning of a lot of things. I'm sure before God takes me where He wants me, I need to be able to stop my independent attitude! Oh my have I been convicted! God will use me but He needs to break the mold. He wont use old vases for new wine. I will have to confess that brokenness is not pretty! I have balled my eyes out more than I can count and just fallen on my knees and asked God WHY? over nothing! REALLY! Well I do have some help from my new book Unglued. Great book, I really recommend it.

On another note, we did get all moved in. Finally in a house. We also had some pictures done & I love them. I hope God continues to show me where I am going! I know this blog makes no sense but hopefully, it will for someone will feel me. :)