Today as my heart feels heavy... I'm sad and joyful at the same time. How can that be? As I had a conversation with my son last night, I was reminded of how stupid I could be. How my actions have way more consequences that I can ever imagine! You have entrusted in me much and I have failed You constantly. I keep so caught up in my own feelings, that I forget those that I was in trusted with. Maybe that's the reason I am where I am? Surely I know in my heart that's not where you want me to be. I know I was called for great things but I have been my only enemy. I have sabotaged everything you have given me! Even now, looking back I can see your mercy and grace in my life! I don't deserve it!! I should be punished for my actions. Still, in the mist of my mess, I'm amazed of how wonderful and loving you are! You still love me and you still bless me. How undeserving of me! Why God? Why are you willing to put up with such a mess of a child?
Oh wait, I know why, because of the blood of Jesus. You know me better than I will ever know my self. You knew I would mess this up but you still keep me by your side and take care of my babies! Wait! They are not even mine!! They are yours!! Wow, how stupid of me!
I do need to start taking care of my own flesh. I have been so blind this whole time that I have not seen the damage I have done, only to myself. By hurting him, I hurt myself. By scaring him, I scar myself. By making him angry, I make myself angry! Wow, now I understand a little... Hence why we should honor our husbands first then our children! How stupid of me!! Is that what he's been trying to tell me? That I'm so selfish & don't listen to him... Oh how I love when your Holy Spirit speaks directly into my inner being. When He rebukes me with love and still gives me another chance.
Lord, Thank you!
Sincerely,
A perfect sinner that has been redeemed
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1, 2 NIV)
